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Iboga Blog
sober christmas
22nd December 2020 • Sticky Post
Recovery Christmas: Dealing With Family Issues
A Recovery Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year for those with addiction issues. The stresses of maintaining sobriety are compounded by emotionally fraught encounters, busy schedules, and sky-high expectations. And for many, family situations are the greatest stressor by a mile. If you’re in recovery, your family life has probably been complicated by your past actions, and while family members can be life-saving sources of love and support, your relations can also cause a great deal of emotional pain, and push you into very negative places. To make sure that your recovery Christmas is safe and happy, here’s our guide for dealing with difficult family members this month.
Get Out of the Problem and Into the Solution
If you’ve completed a treatment program, you’ve probably already done your best to begin making amends. If you are still in the very early stages of recovery, the holiday season is a great time to start exploring ways to heal the pain you’ve caused and rebuild relationships that have suffered. It’s entirely possible, and fair, that some family members might still hold grudges or express distrust and disappointment, depending on the extent of your past misdeeds. Remember that it will take time for these people to acknowledge and accept that you have changed. You need to try to show the depth of your commitment to becoming a better person.
It’s perfectly normal for some family members to maintain resentments for some time after your addiction ends. It’s important that you take responsibility for your actions, acknowledge their feelings, and take any steps you can to heal the pain you’ve caused. But it is also fundamental that you recognize when their actions are unreasonable, unkind, and intended to cause pain. Just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean that you deserve to be a punching bag for toxic and emotionally unstable relations.
Mindfulness and Naikan Therapy can be great ways to establish a solid foundation for positive interactions. As Dr. Mike Dow, bestselling author and psychotherapist noted in a recent New York Times article, in situations like this, “your heart rate doesn’t lie.” He recommends monitoring your physical responses to your environment and using yoga, mindfulness exercises, or a long walk to calm down in order to build up “emotional resilience” in tough situations like a recovery Christmas.
Naikan, a Japanese therapy that uses techniques from Buddhist meditation to explore the true nature of our relationships and cultivate a sense of gratitude, can also be very helpful. Reflecting on what your family has done to help and support you throughout your life can allow you to enter fraught situations with a positive attitude, to forgive and let go of resentment, and to view and understand the behavior of your relatives in a new light. In many cases, you’ll find that what is sometimes seen as criticism may be an expression of love and concern and that your relatives truly want what is best for you.
Self-Care Steps for Times of Family Stryfe
1) Recognize Reality And Set Boundaries
If someone in your family is mean-spirited, negative, gossipy, or cruel you shouldn’t make excuses for them. Be honest with yourself and them about how their actions affect others. Set inviolable boundaries for how you will and won’t allow yourself to be treated, and what behavior you simply cannot be around during your recovery Christmas.
2) Establish Rules
If your sobriety depends on certain conditions, discuss establishing rules surrounding them for family gatherings. If some topics need to be off-limits to maintain a positive and friendly environment, try to reach an agreement on this beforehand. It will help you avoid contentious situations, and minimize drama. If you’re not ready to be around excessive drinking or drug use, firmly establish this before your gathering, and allow those who insist on engaging in these behaviors the opportunity to make other plans. Any family member who truly cares about your health and happiness will be willing to accept that the sacrifice is worth it.
3) Remember: You Aren’t A Therapist
It might be tempting to put your recovery experience to use within your family. Whether confronting someone about harmful actions, pushing someone towards therapy or treatment, or trying to mediate a simmering conflict. These are all worthwhile goals, but you need to recognize that a family gathering isn’t the time to accomplish them. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, or for making their Christmas magical. Maintain a positive attitude, praise the cooking, and wash a dish or two. But postpone solving the problems of your loved ones until you’re in a setting conducive to a long, serious talk.
4) Sometimes Walking Away is the Only Way
This Psychology Today article lists a series of behaviors and attitudes typically associated with toxic personalities. It includes irresponsibility in speech and actions that cause pain to others, a hair-trigger temper and outbursts of disproportionately intense anger, a need to be the center of attention, the refusal to let go of grievances, and a tendency to leave others feeling anxious, troubled, and tormented.
If someone in your family is this damaging to your sense of mental well-being, it may be time to consider avoiding them altogether. You need to exercise self-care and ensure that you are equipped to successfully battle your addiction. You are under no social or familial obligation to allow yourself to be victimized, and you have every right to prioritize your long-term mental and physical health above the needs of a toxic relative. Your family members had the right to demand that you seek help and treatment for the affliction you were battling, and to cut you off if you refused. You shouldn’t be afraid to make the same demands when confronted with someone suffering from an emotional disorder.
The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for those fighting addiction. If you or someone you know needs help, don’t hesitate to get in touch with Iboga Tree Healing House today!
21st December 2020 • Sticky Post
Staying Sober During The Holidays: 10 Christmas Relapse Prevention Tips
When we think about the Christmas season, we conjure up some lovely mental images. Roaring fires, delighted smiles, cozy sweaters, and delicious treats. But as they grow closer, reality sets in. Suddenly the idyll shifts to financial pressures, familial strife, grueling travel, pressure to have a drink, lack of sleep, and gloomy weather, trials that can turn the jolliest elf into a raging Grinch. And for those dealing with addiction issues, mounting stress will always create the danger of relapse. But it’s possible to navigate the holiday season with your smile, and your sobriety intact. Let’s take a look at 10 Christmas relapse prevention tips for successfully surviving a dangerous month!
1) Be Prepared
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is assuming that you can breeze through the Christmas season. We highly recommend planning things out ahead of time. What days, parties, and gatherings could be trouble? How will you deal with pressure from friends and family? Who can you call or meet up with when you need sober Christmas support? When can you schedule some time for yourself to reflect, exercise, or recharge your batteries? When can you find time to attend a meeting or therapy session? Anticipating the challenges that are coming your way and plotting out approaches for overcoming them will ensure that you don’t get overwhelmed.
2) What About HALT?
This one seems simple, but it’s incredibly important. The acronym stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. When you’re making the rounds of parties, family events, and work functions, it can be easy to lose track of your physical and emotional state. All of these feelings will negatively effect your sense of well-being, and they can exert a profoundly negative effect on your decision making. Before putting yourself into situations that may be stressful, listen to yourself. It isn’t the end of the world if you take a night off to rest up, or show up late to a dinner party because you needed to connect with a supportive friend.
3) Stick Together!
Fellowship is one of the most powerful tools we have for battling addiction. From sponsors, loved ones, and peers in treatment, we can gain essential support that keeps us on the right track. Taking a sober friend to a gathering can make it easy to avoid temptation. If that isn’t possible, arrange to have a network of friends on call, who can offer you encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, or a safe ride home when the need arises.
4) BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverages)
There is something about the appearance of an empty hand that sets off those who have already over-indulged. Ensuring that you’re drinking something, whether orange juice, cola, or sparkling water with a twist of lime, will keep the drunken uncles and red-nosed bosses away. It sounds small but it can help you avoid dozens of awkward conversations and tedious explanations over the course of the next month.
5) Explain Yourself
You probably don’t want to delve into the details of your recovery with every one of your acquaintances. So being able to quickly dismiss inquiries into why you aren’t partying harder can help you avoid this unnecessary stress. Whether it’s “I’m on antibiotics for a vicious cold”, “I’m the designated driver tonight” or “I have plans early tomorrow morning”, having an excuse at hand can make parties much more pleasant and keep your Christmas relapse prevention plan out of danger.
6) Know When To Say No
While the holidays are a great time to catch up with the people in your life, you’re under no obligation to make an appearance at every single party and event you’re invited to. If something sounds too stressful, if you’re feeling tired, sick, or emotionally drained, or if you think a New Year’s Eve party might create too much temptation, don’t feel guilty about politely demurring. Your sobriety is the most important gift you can give to yourself and your loved ones, and those who care about you will understand that you need to make it your number one priority.
7) Be Active
Doing something active and interesting will keep your mind off of alcohol and drugs. Rather than sitting around pubs or living rooms, try to organize or join events that keep you on the go. Organize a caroling group, volunteer with the needy, bake cookies, or take a walk to see all of the Christmas decorations and lights in your neighborhood. This can help keep your mind on the positive aspects of the holiday.
8) Stay Mindful and Grateful
One of the difficult parts of the holidays for those in recovery is dealing with regret. Your addiction has probably severed your ties to some people that you care about, and a common response to loneliness is a focus on negative emotions like self-pity, bitterness, and finding fault. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, find things that you can be grateful for and happy about. Meditating on or pondering the gifts you’ve received, and the invaluable support that others have offered you can keep your mind-set positive in stressful times. Christmas relapse prevention is all about positivity!
9) Have Boundaries
Establish in advance the things you need, and the things you need to avoid for Christmas relapse prevention. If a close friend or family member triggers the desire to use, limit the time you’ll spend with them, and make sure it’s in a safe setting like a morning coffee or catching a movie. Decide how many nights in and nights out you can handle and stick to your plan. Schedule your meetings, therapy sessions, and sponsor meet-ups and follow through on them. And ensure that you get 8 hours of sleep each night.
10) Be Ready For January
The holidays are a challenge, and if you get through them with your sobriety intact you deserve to feel great! But remember that many addicts are most prone to relapse after coming through a crisis. There’s a reason everybody says “one day at a time.” The work of maintaining your health and recovery isn’t over just because you’ve emerged from this trial unscathed.
It’s also important to remember that relapse is extremely common and that if you succumb to the pressures and stresses of the holidays this year, you shouldn’t give up on battling addiction. If you or anyone you know needs help, reach out to Iboga Tree Healing House today!
